I’ve heard the phrase before “You’ll fall in love with him all over again as he falls in love with his child.” But you never realize how strong that is when he’s not yours anymore..
There’s so much I’ve shamefully attempted to tune out simply because my heart overfloods with emotion when I see him holding our baby, see the look on his face watching him sleep. I catch myself stopping myself from memorizing the soft way he talks to him, the little song he sang at the hospital, the way he’s so careful holding him- and it kills me.
These are the little glimpses into what should have been.
These are the moments I should be coveting.
These should be happy memories…
No matter how much he’s destroyed me, I look at him and our child and all I wish for is for this little moment to be my reality. But honestly- I’d be terrified to ever hope he wants the same.. lord knows he has other people to fill the void. I know that just because my skin crawled to be kissed by someone else, he found -even if temporary- comfort in someone else. Remembering this makes it hurt enough to remind myself that this most likely will never be my reality…
I remind myself that even though she crippled us, he’s talking to her again. I remind myself that if this was something he had wanted back- he would have voiced so ages ago like I did.. at least that’s what I tell myself. Because telling myself anything else would allow the hope that he would want to fix this more than just to be friends and raise our son together without fighting. Allowing myself the thought that he stays silent just because would allow me to think that maybe he misses me as much as I do him.
Keeping my mind at bay and my heart hurt keeps myself safe.. because sadly, no one tells you about the stories when one looses their soulmate. And no one tells you how to cope losing a root to your tree.. They never tell you that your heart never stops wanting them, that your love never dies, that you just as strongly want them years later.
He was my future and I’m accepting that I was not his…
Ohmageezers 