I still feel almost nothing for this child in me. I slightly hate myself for this although I know that I won’t be disconnected forever.. We’ve moved, moved again, and moved once more. All I’ve learned is to trust no one. To let no one get close. This baby’s father is not involved due to my choosing.. every time I talk to him it turns into a fight. A stupid battle over things he just doesn’t get. Things he thinks he can still control… No… you say the things that you did to me at the closing of our relationship- I don’t have to owe you a thing…
I tried. I mean I really did. I invited him to come feel baby kick, told him he’s welcome at appointments and such. He greeted that with back to back no shows and silence via telephone. For someone he loved, I sure had been forgotten quickly.
So I don’t feel bad that I’ve cut him off of my life right now. He brings me pain, stress, and annoying drunken calls at 3 AM. He is the mess I’m free of and don’t need back in my life.
I know he will demand his “fair share” of the babe, like he’s a possession to be won, and I will allow what I can. But it won’t be what he wants… I’ve realized that although I am difficult, hot headed, and quite hard to live with- He brought out the worst in me. I am not that evil, controlling person. I do not brood and push people out. I’m realatively not suspicious of people’s every move… yet I was with him. I had allowed myself to be corrupted from suspicion, pain, and repeated heartbreak.
So no I will not let him force me to bend and break to his every whim. I will not allow things that make me uncomfortable, nor will I aspire to do things just to make him happy… This child will be a light, just like his big brother.
I refuse to allow someone to come and smother that light away.