This time last year, I’d have never thought I’d be doing another Christmas alone again. Our little family was whole again, we had professed our love and that never again, never, would we allow the stresses and pains of the world or life make us give up on what was important: our relationship.
Well, that was a riot. Lies are so easy to promise.
I have my boys.. There’s that. So I’m not completely alone. But never again. Never again will I give someone my heart the way I gave it to him. He can forever carry the torn pieces around in his pocket, I’d appreciate never seeing it again.
You see, when you love someone, you’re always willing to sacrifice for them. And when you love someone, you know when you need to let them take care of themselves. I thought I had made it clear he could.. But instead, I ruined his life. Instead, he felt obligated to rescue me, when I’ve told him repeatedly that only I could rescue myself.
And because my own search and rescue came back over and over again fruitless, he thought I wasn’t doing an inadequate job.. He failed to see the depth of damage, and just how long it took for me to heal those scars. Because he was determined to fix something he couldn’t begin to understand.
You cannot understand how to heal someone’s scars unless you’ve walked in their shoes.
That sadly means, you cannot be someone’s white knight.
But I want him to know something:
Would you really like to know the ways he rescued me..? By loving me. Holding me on those nights where I felt defeated. Not walking away from my damaged self. When he used to accept me, all my screw ups and all. He saved me by being my best friend.
And honestly, now that I don’t even have that.. I’ve gotten so used to him being my anchor… I’m scrambling to learn how to anchor myself again.. It’s been so long.
I will not be bitter in this venture to being alone. I won’t hate him for anything, no matter the pain, no matter how it’s caused.
Because if him stopping loving me means he has a chance at peace, I’d rather be forgotten and adrift.
My Christmas alone hurts…
It hurts so much…
But I’m so sick and tired of causing him pain…