If I can just… turn it all off.. That would be great. So very fucking great..
I feel like no matter how much I try to control even the smallest things, no matter how hard I try and limit myself and keep things at a distance- Chaos and everything far from what I wanted comes from my attempts.
I wanted him around, I wanted him to fall in love with his child, I needed the help.
I wasn’t prepared to have him here, back in my bed, doing everything like we used to, yet far from being his again. And worse- knowing that I’m very much his whilst knowing he’s never mine.
I hate myself for so willingly letting him keep my heart, knowing what he’s done. I hate myself for loving him unconditionally. I hate that my other half will forever have me (whether he wants me or not) when I have to watch from the outside while he seems to desperately do everything but be mine.
How do you function, even breathe, when it feels like you’ve torn up your soul to give it away?
I see how he looks at me.. I covet when he curls over me and kisses my shoulder… But this is all a messy game of house.. I’m so scared to see how this is going to end, because I know once he figures it out and gets on his feet again- I’m nobody. This not talking to other girls, not going out and partying or sleeping around is out of courtesy of me since it can’t be hidden while living here.. It’s not done for anything else other than to keep things moving smoothly.
Sometimes I feel so.. normal with him.. Sometimes the way he’s around me, I feel like he really does still love me, that those murmured sweet things said were true..And then other times I’m abruptly reminded that we are nothing.. I feel like a convenience some nights.. And others I feel like I’m clinging to something that is far from ever being true again..
I wish I was a normal girl.
I wish that I knew how to love someone without making their lives hell on earth.
I just wish someone could wholeheartedly enjoy being around me..
Because I’m falling apart trying so desperately to be loved the way that I love, knowing that I never will be. I’m too difficult, I talk too much, I’m too possessive, I have control issues that only my therapist is just barely starting to understand… I am so so broken..
And I hate myself for being so.. Because I will never be what he needs. I will never be the kind of person he needs in his life to grow and become the man his son needs. I am far from the life and woman he deserves.. Even after everything he’s done to me, I feel far from what he deserves.. I’m just another crazy, controlling, messed up, conversation stealing woman he has to endure in his life. His family is right to hate me.. If only they knew how much I hate myself..
I can’t blame anyone but myself. Not Karma, Fate, Mom. No one but myself.. I ruined my life.. I fought so damned hard to not become my mother, yet here I am. Even willing to never remarry or get serious with someone else because of how messed up I am.
Why fall in love again with someone who will only leave when I’m too much?
I’m too much.. And that’s why I wish I could just shut it all off…
So do this for me… keep one promise. Just one promise for me.
Don’t make any promises to this boy you’ll fail to keep. I’m enduring the heartache of your multiple broken promises and all I’m asking you, begging you, is to not do the same to my son…
Don’t let him feel what you’ve made me feel…
I’ve heard the phrase before “You’ll fall in love with him all over again as he falls in love with his child.” But you never realize how strong that is when he’s not yours anymore..
There’s so much I’ve shamefully attempted to tune out simply because my heart overfloods with emotion when I see him holding our baby, see the look on his face watching him sleep. I catch myself stopping myself from memorizing the soft way he talks to him, the little song he sang at the hospital, the way he’s so careful holding him- and it kills me.
These are the moments I should be coveting.
These should be happy memories…
No matter how much he’s destroyed me, I look at him and our child and all I wish for is for this little moment to be my reality. But honestly- I’d be terrified to ever hope he wants the same.. lord knows he has other people to fill the void. I know that just because my skin crawled to be kissed by someone else, he found -even if temporary- comfort in someone else. Remembering this makes it hurt enough to remind myself that this most likely will never be my reality…
I remind myself that even though she crippled us, he’s talking to her again. I remind myself that if this was something he had wanted back- he would have voiced so ages ago like I did.. at least that’s what I tell myself. Because telling myself anything else would allow the hope that he would want to fix this more than just to be friends and raise our son together without fighting. Allowing myself the thought that he stays silent just because would allow me to think that maybe he misses me as much as I do him.
Keeping my mind at bay and my heart hurt keeps myself safe.. because sadly, no one tells you about the stories when one looses their soulmate. And no one tells you how to cope losing a root to your tree.. They never tell you that your heart never stops wanting them, that your love never dies, that you just as strongly want them years later.
He was my future and I’m accepting that I was not his…