Relationships

All posts in the Relationships category

Christmas Alone

Published December 16, 2017 by ohmageezers

This time last year, I’d have never thought I’d be doing another Christmas alone again. Our little family was whole again, we had professed our love and that never again, never, would we allow the stresses and pains of the world or life make us give up on what was important: our relationship.

Well, that was a riot. Lies are so easy to promise.

I have my boys.. There’s that. So I’m not completely alone. But never again. Never again will I give someone my heart the way I gave it to him. He can forever carry the torn pieces around in his pocket, I’d appreciate never seeing it again.

You see, when you love someone, you’re always willing to sacrifice for them. And when you love someone, you know when you need to let them take care of themselves. I thought I had made it clear he could.. But instead, I ruined his life. Instead, he felt obligated to rescue me, when I’ve told him repeatedly that only I could rescue myself.

And because my own search and rescue came back over and over again fruitless, he thought I wasn’t doing an inadequate job.. He failed to see the depth of damage, and just how long it took for me to heal those scars. Because he was determined to fix something he couldn’t begin to understand.

You cannot understand how to heal someone’s scars unless you’ve walked in their shoes.

That sadly means, you cannot be someone’s white knight.

But I want him to know something:

Would you really like to know the ways he rescued me..? By loving me. Holding me on those nights where I felt defeated. Not walking away from my damaged self. When he used to accept me, all my screw ups and all. He saved me by being my best friend.

And honestly, now that I don’t even have that.. I’ve gotten so used to him being my anchor… I’m scrambling to learn how to anchor myself again.. It’s been so long.

I will not be bitter in this venture to being alone. I won’t hate him for anything, no matter the pain, no matter how it’s caused.

Because if him stopping loving me means he has a chance at peace, I’d rather be forgotten and adrift.

 

My Christmas alone hurts…

It hurts so much…

But I’m so sick and tired of causing him pain…

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Chocolate Kisses

Published February 3, 2016 by ohmageezers

I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything.

Maybe we are from the same star.

~ Emery Allen

This man is my everything.. He’s my sunrise and sunset.. All I want is to wake up and to feel his warm breath on my shoulder, to smell that russet deep spice that is him, and to look into his eyes and feel beautiful.

He’s all I’ve wanted, and my first love… To find him again, to have the fates help align us the way they did.. I can only beg the gods to let us keep each other.

Because I feel like I’d fight the world to keep this man in my life. I look at him and I see my future.. I’ve felt my soul pull to him since the moment we crossed paths, and I’ve never felt anything quite as strong again.. All those years he was gone, a whispered memory would come back from the depths and I would think of him. Wonder where he had gone, if he thought of me while he held someone else. Never in a million years did I think my soul pulled so strongly to him that we’d find each other again.. It’s like I KNEW I had to go.. I KNEW I’d find him again..

And now I’m so excited. To see where our adventures bring us, what we work through, and all the fruits of working our relationship. To see what my star destined soul mate and I have in store.

One day I’ll get to sign off on here with a new name.. With an exciting story, and be able to finally write down the stories my heart has begged for since the year I first spent with him.

But for now, I’m content with enjoying his sweet words, those safe arms, and enjoy those chocolate kisses.

Our story is far from over.