I’ve heard the phrase before “You’ll fall in love with him all over again as he falls in love with his child.” But you never realize how strong that is when he’s not yours anymore..
There’s so much I’ve shamefully attempted to tune out simply because my heart overfloods with emotion when I see him holding our baby, see the look on his face watching him sleep. I catch myself stopping myself from memorizing the soft way he talks to him, the little song he sang at the hospital, the way he’s so careful holding him- and it kills me.
These are the little glimpses into what should have been.
These are the moments I should be coveting.
These should be happy memories…
No matter how much he’s destroyed me, I look at him and our child and all I wish for is for this little moment to be my reality. But honestly- I’d be terrified to ever hope he wants the same.. lord knows he has other people to fill the void. I know that just because my skin crawled to be kissed by someone else, he found -even if temporary- comfort in someone else. Remembering this makes it hurt enough to remind myself that this most likely will never be my reality…
I remind myself that even though she crippled us, he’s talking to her again. I remind myself that if this was something he had wanted back- he would have voiced so ages ago like I did.. at least that’s what I tell myself. Because telling myself anything else would allow the hope that he would want to fix this more than just to be friends and raise our son together without fighting. Allowing myself the thought that he stays silent just because would allow me to think that maybe he misses me as much as I do him.
Keeping my mind at bay and my heart hurt keeps myself safe.. because sadly, no one tells you about the stories when one looses their soulmate. And no one tells you how to cope losing a root to your tree.. They never tell you that your heart never stops wanting them, that your love never dies, that you just as strongly want them years later.
He was my future and I’m accepting that I was not his…
I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything.
Maybe we are from the same star.
~ Emery Allen
This man is my everything.. He’s my sunrise and sunset.. All I want is to wake up and to feel his warm breath on my shoulder, to smell that russet deep spice that is him, and to look into his eyes and feel beautiful.
He’s all I’ve wanted, and my first love… To find him again, to have the fates help align us the way they did.. I can only beg the gods to let us keep each other.
Because I feel like I’d fight the world to keep this man in my life. I look at him and I see my future.. I’ve felt my soul pull to him since the moment we crossed paths, and I’ve never felt anything quite as strong again.. All those years he was gone, a whispered memory would come back from the depths and I would think of him. Wonder where he had gone, if he thought of me while he held someone else. Never in a million years did I think my soul pulled so strongly to him that we’d find each other again.. It’s like I KNEW I had to go.. I KNEW I’d find him again..
And now I’m so excited. To see where our adventures bring us, what we work through, and all the fruits of working our relationship. To see what my star destined soul mate and I have in store.
One day I’ll get to sign off on here with a new name.. With an exciting story, and be able to finally write down the stories my heart has begged for since the year I first spent with him.
But for now, I’m content with enjoying his sweet words, those safe arms, and enjoy those chocolate kisses.
Our story is far from over.
I’ve been sitting here for days now trying to think of what to write… Of what to put out there just for anyone to read. At first I thought- Oh! I’ll just be whitty and write funnies about my outrageous two year old’s antics. But then I remembered what kind of writer I am.. How I can’t help but display far too much of my soul to be displayed in the black and white of letters and ‘paper’.
So here I am. Here is all that is me, and I’m sorry for the feels. I swear I never intended for this kind of shenanigans.
I’m sitting here listening to Jealous by Labrinth and.. My mind keeps going back to so many things.. It makes me miss my Grampa more than words can explain..
But I guess the one thing I miss most is I can’t come in, sit across from him at the table, and ask “Am I doing this right?” I can’t cry to him and tell him how much it hurts, how lonely I can be, and how terrified I am that I’m making all the wrong decisions with both myself and my son… I have no one to dismiss my mother’s outrageous declarations of me being a messed up mother, and a broken person. No one to tell me to stick to what my heart and God would want.
I’m not jealous that he’s pain free. I’m not jealous that I can’t hug him. I’m not jealous that he’s somewhere happy without me.
I’m jealous of all the people that can go to him and just talk.. I’m jealous that I can’t go to my father to ask for advice.. To tell him about the amazing man that has become so integrated in mine and my boy’s life..
I just want him to look at me and tell me that I’m doing alright… And I know that I can never have that again.