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Christmas Alone

Published December 16, 2017 by ohmageezers

This time last year, I’d have never thought I’d be doing another Christmas alone again. Our little family was whole again, we had professed our love and that never again, never, would we allow the stresses and pains of the world or life make us give up on what was important: our relationship.

Well, that was a riot. Lies are so easy to promise.

I have my boys.. There’s that. So I’m not completely alone. But never again. Never again will I give someone my heart the way I gave it to him. He can forever carry the torn pieces around in his pocket, I’d appreciate never seeing it again.

You see, when you love someone, you’re always willing to sacrifice for them. And when you love someone, you know when you need to let them take care of themselves. I thought I had made it clear he could.. But instead, I ruined his life. Instead, he felt obligated to rescue me, when I’ve told him repeatedly that only I could rescue myself.

And because my own search and rescue came back over and over again fruitless, he thought I wasn’t doing an inadequate job.. He failed to see the depth of damage, and just how long it took for me to heal those scars. Because he was determined to fix something he couldn’t begin to understand.

You cannot understand how to heal someone’s scars unless you’ve walked in their shoes.

That sadly means, you cannot be someone’s white knight.

But I want him to know something:

Would you really like to know the ways he rescued me..? By loving me. Holding me on those nights where I felt defeated. Not walking away from my damaged self. When he used to accept me, all my screw ups and all. He saved me by being my best friend.

And honestly, now that I don’t even have that.. I’ve gotten so used to him being my anchor… I’m scrambling to learn how to anchor myself again.. It’s been so long.

I will not be bitter in this venture to being alone. I won’t hate him for anything, no matter the pain, no matter how it’s caused.

Because if him stopping loving me means he has a chance at peace, I’d rather be forgotten and adrift.

 

My Christmas alone hurts…

It hurts so much…

But I’m so sick and tired of causing him pain…

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Things Work Out..

Published September 30, 2017 by ohmageezers

The boys have grown.. almost a year has passed..

I still look at that man and fall madly in love…

I swore he’d never be mine again. I swore that I’d be alone struggling to deal with my broken little family.

I swore he’d never care again and just use as he came by.

And sometimes I’m scared that this is all a dream. Sometimes this all just takes a minute to realize my reality.

It’s not perfect, but my family is together. We’re happy for the most part, and I still love him like it’s the day we met.. Oh how I wish and hope this is truly how it’s supposed to be…

Never Truly Sober

Published January 9, 2017 by ohmageezers

He’s my drug.

Not a sweet smooth high from a strain in a blunt.

He’s my special mix of heroin.

A high that shakes you to the core and leaves you broken feigning for your next fix.

He’s my high that’s ever so lovingly brutal. Encompassing me and convincing me I love it all. But when I come down, always realizing how badly I wish I could be sober.

He’s my drug.

And I wish it didn’t hurt so much.

Because the one thing they never tell you, is just how much you’ll love it.

Better To Be Numb

Published December 21, 2016 by ohmageezers

If I can just… turn it all off.. That would be great. So very fucking great..

 

I feel like no matter how much I try to control even the smallest things, no matter how hard I try and limit myself and keep things at a distance- Chaos and everything far from what I wanted comes from my attempts.

I wanted him around, I wanted him to fall in love with his child, I needed the help.

I wasn’t prepared to have him here, back in my bed, doing everything like we used to, yet far from being his again. And worse- knowing that I’m very much his whilst knowing he’s never mine.

I hate myself for so willingly letting him keep my heart, knowing what he’s done. I hate myself for loving him unconditionally. I hate that my other half will forever have me (whether he wants me or not) when I have to watch from the outside while he seems to desperately do everything but be mine.

How do you function, even breathe, when it feels like you’ve torn up your soul to give it away?

I see how he looks at me.. I covet when he curls over me and kisses my shoulder… But this is all a messy game of house.. I’m so scared to see how this is going to end, because I know once he figures it out and gets on his feet again- I’m nobody. This not talking to other girls, not going out and partying or sleeping around is out of courtesy of me since it can’t be hidden while living here.. It’s not done for anything else other than to keep things moving smoothly.

Sometimes I feel so.. normal with him.. Sometimes the way he’s around me, I feel like he really does still love me, that those murmured sweet things said were true..And then other times I’m abruptly reminded that we are nothing.. I feel like a convenience some nights.. And others I feel like I’m clinging to something that is far from ever being true again..

I wish I was a normal girl.

I wish that I knew how to love someone without making their lives hell on earth.

I just wish someone could wholeheartedly enjoy being around me..

Because I’m falling apart trying so desperately to be loved the way that I love, knowing that I never will be. I’m too difficult, I talk too much, I’m too possessive, I have control issues that only my therapist is just barely starting to understand… I am so so broken..

And I hate myself for being so.. Because I will never be what he needs. I will never be the kind of person he needs in his life to grow and become the man his son needs. I am far from the life and woman he deserves.. Even after everything he’s done to me, I feel far from what he deserves.. I’m just another crazy, controlling, messed up, conversation stealing woman he has to endure in his life. His family is right to hate me.. If only they knew how much I hate myself..

I can’t blame anyone but myself. Not Karma, Fate, Mom. No one but myself.. ruined my life.. I fought so damned hard to not become my mother, yet here I am. Even willing to never remarry or get serious with someone else because of how messed up I am.

Why fall in love again with someone who will only leave when I’m too much?

I’m too much.. And that’s why I wish I could just shut it all off…

I Know You Read These

Published December 4, 2016 by ohmageezers

So do this for me… keep one promise. Just one promise for me. 

Don’t make any promises to this boy you’ll fail to keep. I’m enduring the heartache of your multiple broken promises and all I’m asking you, begging you, is to not do the same to my son… 

Don’t let him feel what you’ve made me feel…