If I can just… turn it all off.. That would be great. So very fucking great..
I feel like no matter how much I try to control even the smallest things, no matter how hard I try and limit myself and keep things at a distance- Chaos and everything far from what I wanted comes from my attempts.
I wanted him around, I wanted him to fall in love with his child, I needed the help.
I wasn’t prepared to have him here, back in my bed, doing everything like we used to, yet far from being his again. And worse- knowing that I’m very much his whilst knowing he’s never mine.
I hate myself for so willingly letting him keep my heart, knowing what he’s done. I hate myself for loving him unconditionally. I hate that my other half will forever have me (whether he wants me or not) when I have to watch from the outside while he seems to desperately do everything but be mine.
How do you function, even breathe, when it feels like you’ve torn up your soul to give it away?
I see how he looks at me.. I covet when he curls over me and kisses my shoulder… But this is all a messy game of house.. I’m so scared to see how this is going to end, because I know once he figures it out and gets on his feet again- I’m nobody. This not talking to other girls, not going out and partying or sleeping around is out of courtesy of me since it can’t be hidden while living here.. It’s not done for anything else other than to keep things moving smoothly.
Sometimes I feel so.. normal with him.. Sometimes the way he’s around me, I feel like he really does still love me, that those murmured sweet things said were true..And then other times I’m abruptly reminded that we are nothing.. I feel like a convenience some nights.. And others I feel like I’m clinging to something that is far from ever being true again..
I wish I was a normal girl.
I wish that I knew how to love someone without making their lives hell on earth.
I just wish someone could wholeheartedly enjoy being around me..
Because I’m falling apart trying so desperately to be loved the way that I love, knowing that I never will be. I’m too difficult, I talk too much, I’m too possessive, I have control issues that only my therapist is just barely starting to understand… I am so so broken..
And I hate myself for being so.. Because I will never be what he needs. I will never be the kind of person he needs in his life to grow and become the man his son needs. I am far from the life and woman he deserves.. Even after everything he’s done to me, I feel far from what he deserves.. I’m just another crazy, controlling, messed up, conversation stealing woman he has to endure in his life. His family is right to hate me.. If only they knew how much I hate myself..
I can’t blame anyone but myself. Not Karma, Fate, Mom. No one but myself.. I ruined my life.. I fought so damned hard to not become my mother, yet here I am. Even willing to never remarry or get serious with someone else because of how messed up I am.
Why fall in love again with someone who will only leave when I’m too much?
I’m too much.. And that’s why I wish I could just shut it all off…
So do this for me… keep one promise. Just one promise for me.
Don’t make any promises to this boy you’ll fail to keep. I’m enduring the heartache of your multiple broken promises and all I’m asking you, begging you, is to not do the same to my son…
Don’t let him feel what you’ve made me feel…
I’ve heard the phrase before “You’ll fall in love with him all over again as he falls in love with his child.” But you never realize how strong that is when he’s not yours anymore..
There’s so much I’ve shamefully attempted to tune out simply because my heart overfloods with emotion when I see him holding our baby, see the look on his face watching him sleep. I catch myself stopping myself from memorizing the soft way he talks to him, the little song he sang at the hospital, the way he’s so careful holding him- and it kills me.
These are the moments I should be coveting.
These should be happy memories…
No matter how much he’s destroyed me, I look at him and our child and all I wish for is for this little moment to be my reality. But honestly- I’d be terrified to ever hope he wants the same.. lord knows he has other people to fill the void. I know that just because my skin crawled to be kissed by someone else, he found -even if temporary- comfort in someone else. Remembering this makes it hurt enough to remind myself that this most likely will never be my reality…
I remind myself that even though she crippled us, he’s talking to her again. I remind myself that if this was something he had wanted back- he would have voiced so ages ago like I did.. at least that’s what I tell myself. Because telling myself anything else would allow the hope that he would want to fix this more than just to be friends and raise our son together without fighting. Allowing myself the thought that he stays silent just because would allow me to think that maybe he misses me as much as I do him.
Keeping my mind at bay and my heart hurt keeps myself safe.. because sadly, no one tells you about the stories when one looses their soulmate. And no one tells you how to cope losing a root to your tree.. They never tell you that your heart never stops wanting them, that your love never dies, that you just as strongly want them years later.
He was my future and I’m accepting that I was not his…
I still feel almost nothing for this child in me. I slightly hate myself for this although I know that I won’t be disconnected forever.. We’ve moved, moved again, and moved once more. All I’ve learned is to trust no one. To let no one get close. This baby’s father is not involved due to my choosing.. every time I talk to him it turns into a fight. A stupid battle over things he just doesn’t get. Things he thinks he can still control… No… you say the things that you did to me at the closing of our relationship- I don’t have to owe you a thing…
I tried. I mean I really did. I invited him to come feel baby kick, told him he’s welcome at appointments and such. He greeted that with back to back no shows and silence via telephone. For someone he loved, I sure had been forgotten quickly.
So I don’t feel bad that I’ve cut him off of my life right now. He brings me pain, stress, and annoying drunken calls at 3 AM. He is the mess I’m free of and don’t need back in my life.
I know he will demand his “fair share” of the babe, like he’s a possession to be won, and I will allow what I can. But it won’t be what he wants… I’ve realized that although I am difficult, hot headed, and quite hard to live with- He brought out the worst in me. I am not that evil, controlling person. I do not brood and push people out. I’m realatively not suspicious of people’s every move… yet I was with him. I had allowed myself to be corrupted from suspicion, pain, and repeated heartbreak.
So no I will not let him force me to bend and break to his every whim. I will not allow things that make me uncomfortable, nor will I aspire to do things just to make him happy… This child will be a light, just like his big brother.
I refuse to allow someone to come and smother that light away.
People never realize just how screwed up someone is until it’s too late. We stop begging and crying and screaming for someone to care. We just… Give up.
To be numb is better than to question and to ask “God” why? To wonder why you can’t be good enough or wonder why you couldn’t change enough. Being numb means you can let go of your hopes and dreams. You can be okay with nothing.
And when the numbness finally faded you find a better option..
Yes it may leave people behind hurt, but you see- when you’re so numb.. You forget about anyone but you…
And I have forgotten about everyone. I have given my hopes, my dreams, and my love away for the dark comfort of being numb.. And maybe, just maybe- I can find a more permanent comfort. I can find a way to give up the last bit of ache that comes when I sleep, how much I hate to feel the longing in my dreams.
It will never be what I wanted. My dreams are only the foolish ones of a little girl, who was clinging to hope.
I know no one follows this.. But it’s nice to think that my voice may echo out somewhere deep.. And that maybe- someone’s heart will break with me.. Some girl who knows the pain, and maybe, then I won’t feel so much. That last bit can be given away..