This past week has been really difficult.. I’m officially 39 weeks, and I’ve never experienced so many issues before a labor. My body is completely out of sync with this baby, and I feel so broken right now. I want to lay down and just cry.. The back labor and false starts are endless, and now with two toddlers, I sincerely just want to throw so many clothes and toys away. I get everything clean to turn around to the boys in kinetic sand (from God knows where), dumping drinks on my bed, actually tearing my mattress pad so my bed is SOAKED today.. It never ends. But isn’t that what kids do??
To top it off, I’m supposed to be on bed rest.. I apparently have little to no amniotic fluid but the hospital wouldn’t induce me this past weekend when I was in the hospital. “Drink water and rest. Get help with the boys.”
Well that’s laughable.
I don’t mean to complain so much, this is just really hard… It’s hitting me just how alone I’ve been so much of my parenting adventure so far. Even when my now ex partner was involved- it was fleeting and I really picked up a lot of the child and home care.. 7 months alone now, and I’m lonely. I think I might have met someone but I’m so desperate to keep my parenting life separate from getting to know him.. I’m so afraid that if I let this happen and invest some time to get to know him, that he’ll misunderstand and feel like I’m looking for a fill in father, when in reality- I just want a partner. My kids are my responsibility. I would ask nothing of him, nothing expected except to be kind to them and be a friend if he really chose to keep me for some asinine reason.
I’m just… So lonely… I’ve been for almost two and a half years.. I was in a dying relationship that was more like a feigned collection of trinkets on a dusty shelf that he refused to part with. I tried so hard for affection that now I’m starved for even just human interaction. I never thought I’d feel like this again.. I just want my baby here so I can meet her, and hopefully clean a bit easier.. I’ve never gone this far in a pregnancy, my boys came mid 37th week both times, and I feel.. trapped in my body. I sincerely admire the mothers who go 40+ weeks pregnant multiple times.
I guess she will come when she’s ready.. but god, I need a good cry and a day alone..