This Life That Is Mine

Published June 14, 2018 by ohmageezers

I am so emotionally drained right now.

This is not going to be some beautifully written sonnet for life. This is plain exhaustion, stress, and a bit too much ugly Kim-K crying when I’m alone in my bedroom.

 

We have hit the last four weeks before due date. Baby has made life uncomfortable, but I scold myself for complaining about her… When I complain, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I understand that I am the only parent that sincerely wanted and still wants her. I feel selfish for complaining when I know she had no choice to be made.

But I am still bitter. There have been no legitimate apologies for the emotional and verbal abuse since he and I split. He still validates the way he spoke to me, his demanding an abortion and lashing out when I couldn’t go through with it. He still excuses the actions and accountability he has with this child coming. It makes me want to scream. It makes my soul want to rise up in battle and destroy him. It makes my spirit exhausted… My heart is still truly broken…

You see, I thought we were together because we loved each other. We were together because he loved himself and felt good playing hero to my life. Once that changed, once he realized that no one can fix depression or change how a heart heals but the owner- he started to become bitter.

I loved him. I truly did. He did not love me.

When he tried again to make excuses about the baby, I asked him “But I didn’t make you, I didn’t hide from you that I was not on birth control. We had condoms, we could have used other store bought contraceptives. Why did you choose not to..?” He shook his head, stammering and repeating,

“I didn’t think you’d get pregnant..” You could almost see his mind working at high speed to come up with an excuse before he finally said, “I had to make a choice,” I sighed internally thinking Thank God, he’s finally going to own up to his part in this. He won’t just blame me! And then my heart broke again by what he said, “I had to choose to stop having sex with you, or to not use condoms. It doesn’t feel good.”

I don’t know why I’m venting this here, maybe because it doesn’t really matter. Maybe because the chances of my kids finding this one day compared to my physical journal are slim to none… Maybe I just hope that someone hears my hurt and understands why it hurts…

I looked at him so confused, three years in love, did he not choose to be with me for more than just the physical benefit on his end? Was I nothing more than an outlet for him to have for an exclusive moment until he moved on and found something better? I knew better than to look for that answer, but I asked…. I shouldn’t have…

“Sex is just sex. It’s for pleasure. I chose you to have that pleasure with, but that’s what it’s about. Nothing more.” Nothing more… That echoed in my head, bouncing around, ricocheting off the shards left of my heart and settled deep in my stomach like a cold heavy stone. I felt ill. I still feel ill… Suddenly all of his actions from the past all flooded me, this mindset, this selfish, ugly, cruel mindset explained everything. It explained why he repeatedly cheated, how he scoffed texting random women if he never actually met them. It explained his disconnection from the children and I the last six months before we split. It explained everything. I stayed silent until he got up, back turned to walk out the house letting him make himself feel better for what he said before he departed,

“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

I realized just how disposable I and this baby were to him. It scares me that our first is just as disposable. It hurts because I tried to give him my all emotionally. I tried so hard. But he looked for other things. If it wasn’t touchable, tangible, in his face results- it wasn’t enough. He never cared truly to understand or empathize with the battles I went through on mental health. He never really attempted to put himself in my shoes for why I was scared to marry, scared to spur of the moment move out with him. He never once cared to understand- he just knew what HE wanted, and couldn’t seem to fathom why I was holding back. The one man I thought I could trust proved to me that I can trust no one.

 

So now, while my back aches, while I struggle to get along with my day to day, I know wholly that I am alone. This isn’t completely a bad thing, but it hurts none the less to process that the life you were wanting with someone, that you invested into someone, was a waste. I look forward to meeting my baby girl. I had been dreaming of her months prior to finding out I was pregnant. I grieved when I miscarried the twins only a month prior, and I knew when he uttered those words to end the pregnancy that in my heart I couldn’t, because I knew it was my baby. Somewhere along the lines, the fates decided he was needed in my life. Somewhere they decided my children needed to come at this time, from this man. And I can accept that. But god… It hurts.

I have never felt so emotionally drained in my life. I am not depressed or suicidal, just plain drained. I am feeling wholly the consequences of my actions and I refuse to regret any of them. I refuse to blame my children for their appearance and I refuse to lay in pity at the reality that he probably was intending to hurt me. Whether he did it to get distance or immaturely thought he needed to do it to not hurt me (or whatever twisted valiant thought he had), I will not allow him to destroy me.

I can’t.

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