Better To Be Numb

Published December 21, 2016 by ohmageezers

If I can just… turn it all off.. That would be great. So very fucking great..

 

I feel like no matter how much I try to control even the smallest things, no matter how hard I try and limit myself and keep things at a distance- Chaos and everything far from what I wanted comes from my attempts.

I wanted him around, I wanted him to fall in love with his child, I needed the help.

I wasn’t prepared to have him here, back in my bed, doing everything like we used to, yet far from being his again. And worse- knowing that I’m very much his whilst knowing he’s never mine.

I hate myself for so willingly letting him keep my heart, knowing what he’s done. I hate myself for loving him unconditionally. I hate that my other half will forever have me (whether he wants me or not) when I have to watch from the outside while he seems to desperately do everything but be mine.

How do you function, even breathe, when it feels like you’ve torn up your soul to give it away?

I see how he looks at me.. I covet when he curls over me and kisses my shoulder… But this is all a messy game of house.. I’m so scared to see how this is going to end, because I know once he figures it out and gets on his feet again- I’m nobody. This not talking to other girls, not going out and partying or sleeping around is out of courtesy of me since it can’t be hidden while living here.. It’s not done for anything else other than to keep things moving smoothly.

Sometimes I feel so.. normal with him.. Sometimes the way he’s around me, I feel like he really does still love me, that those murmured sweet things said were true..And then other times I’m abruptly reminded that we are nothing.. I feel like a convenience some nights.. And others I feel like I’m clinging to something that is far from ever being true again..

I wish I was a normal girl.

I wish that I knew how to love someone without making their lives hell on earth.

I just wish someone could wholeheartedly enjoy being around me..

Because I’m falling apart trying so desperately to be loved the way that I love, knowing that I never will be. I’m too difficult, I talk too much, I’m too possessive, I have control issues that only my therapist is just barely starting to understand… I am so so broken..

And I hate myself for being so.. Because I will never be what he needs. I will never be the kind of person he needs in his life to grow and become the man his son needs. I am far from the life and woman he deserves.. Even after everything he’s done to me, I feel far from what he deserves.. I’m just another crazy, controlling, messed up, conversation stealing woman he has to endure in his life. His family is right to hate me.. If only they knew how much I hate myself..

I can’t blame anyone but myself. Not Karma, Fate, Mom. No one but myself.. ruined my life.. I fought so damned hard to not become my mother, yet here I am. Even willing to never remarry or get serious with someone else because of how messed up I am.

Why fall in love again with someone who will only leave when I’m too much?

I’m too much.. And that’s why I wish I could just shut it all off…

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